The Missing Bible

At a time in which patients elsewhere have been revealed as lying bleeding on trolleys with only the occasional vase of chrysanthemums for sustenance, it ill-behoves me to appear to complain of the absence of one single facility during my recent sojourn in hospital.

Nevertheless the Gideon Bible from my bedside, and apparently from mine alone, was undeniably missing - and missing before I registered myself as an Atheist whose Bible might need to be removed to a place of safety, or redistributed to someone whose keen and continuous reading was already having a deleterious effect on the flimsy pages of their own.

So - clearly stolen  then. But by whom? And to what end? I know that there are areas of the country where to wear a Bible in your breast pocket to absorb an otherwise fatal bullet, or turn aside a knife blade, may be considered a sensible precaution. But not in one of North Yorkshire’s sleepier towns.

Possibly those long-suffering workers at 118 118, pledged to try to find answers to not-remotely phone-related questions, may be using the introductory pages on Where to Find Help in Time of Need.

“Job Seeking, sir? Of course. Could I recommend Colossians 3.23?”

“Hold the line one moment please. Trev, I’ve got a sodomy on the line. Is that Galatians 5.19 Sexual Immorality?”

“Tricky. Better play safe and go for 2 Thessalonians 1.9 Hell.”

There again, with newspapers becoming increasingly expensive, those threatening letters made from words cut from yesterday’s Times, so often put into the hands of Holmes or Miss Marple, may now be out-sourced. For the professional criminal Revelations 11 will provide the eminently useful: “For 1,260 I have power to shut up the witnesses. If they give testimony I will overpower and kill them.” The book could then be passed on to the old maid of the village who could use Revelations 18 to warn the local Polly Garter: “Unclean and detestable bird, on your back you take every sea captain (double pay), all who travel by ship, the sailors and all who earn their living by the sea. Woe! Woe!”

Nevertheless the potential for this function is limited by the modern practice of supplying the Dumbed Down Bible consisting only of the New Testament and Psalms, rather than the Full Monty Bible complete with Old Testament and its endless possibilities of begetting, smiting, fornicating and spilling one’s seed upon the ground.

Incidentally, the absence of the Old Testament also involves the loss of the Book of Judges which contains the story of Gideon, thereby making the Gideon Bible possibly the worst sponsorship deal in history, somewhat akin to Coca Cola sponsoring a Test Match only to find all the players wearing the Irn Bru logo on their kit.

I am however increasingly coming to the conclusion  that the disappearance of my Bible may be the result of internecine strife between various Evangelical sects over the exact wording of certain biblical passages. Each grouplet no doubt sends its members into hospitals to surreptitiously remove Bibles until their expert forgers can emend the most controversial passages to their own satisfaction, at which point the books will be returned.

I therefore suspect that my Bible is waiting for James 5.13 “Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.” to be corrected by the Provisional Evangelical Brotherhood to “Is anyone happy? Let him sing approved songs of praise.” ; or by the Real Evangelicals to “Is anyone happy? Let him sing the blues.”; or by the Continuity Evangelicals to “Is anyone happy? We will explain your error!”